Gone are the days of bootcut jeans and fuller pants and I don’t mind that. But we’re starting to venture into yoga-tight territory on some of the men’s jeans and trousers I’ve seen recently. Some of it is quite terrifying to see, almost to the point shielding your kids eyes from it all! I was working last week when I put on said pants. They almost split in two when I moved, it was quite embarrassing. This seems to be happening a bit more in the men’s world with the trend of the last 5-10 or so years in the industry. To all the designers out there, we’ve hit peak tightness. It’s time to pull back a touch.
Slim not Skinny
Now, I am all in favor of the “slim” cut, but not “skinny”. I think slim or a more classically cut leg is practical, allows the man to move and doesn’t constrict his all important manhood. We’re not women, we weren’t made to wear tights. We have something that needs to be accounted for in between our legs. But what’s the difference? How can you tell when slim ends and skinny begins?
The idea of the “skinny jean” peaked years ago. The 80’s, the rocker chic, and then heroine-chic late 80’s early 90’s thing ran its course. (I think we burned out on it and that’s why the 90’s were so relaxed and a terrible era for menswear). Walk down the street nowadays and you’re bound to stumble across numerous ball-busting offenders. Now, there’s a nice little way to tell when a pant is too tight, and hopefully I can help you avoid your manhood having problems down the line.
The Sit Test
Take a seat. Are you sitting? I would assume yes. Now grab a piece of your pant, trouser, or denim (I’ll talk more about this below). Can you grab fabric? No? Not at all? Well they’re too tight. Buying raw denim? I’ll make an exception here as they will let out and become a bit more loose over time.
The Mirror Test (Especially For Trousers)
Pull on a pair of pants (preferably trousers or chinos) and look in the mirror. Are you looking? Gosh you look good! Okay now back to business. Look at your pants by the bottom of the pockets, is it pulling? Well it shouldn’t. Now face profile and look at the pocket and area that wraps around to your seat. There shouldn’t be rolls, or again pulling in that area. One smooth dance move and those puppies are ripping.
(when it comes to dressing, don’t be the President)
Is That An IPhone 6 Or Are You Excited To See Me?
Ahh the dreaded front pocket phone bulge. Many guys nowadays are putting their phones in the back pocket of their pants because of the tightness of their pants. I actually do this… Ashamedly. With your phone in your pocket, you should be able to reach in your pocket and grab it without having to do a song, dance, backflip, and use your off hand to open up the pocket.
90 Degree Stair Test
Find the nearest flight of stairs and walk up them. Walk normally. Okay now two at a time. Three at a time. Can’t go further or your pants restricting you more than a 90 degree knee bend? They’re too tight people.
Friends are for things like this. If you’re buddy tells you that your pants look like mozzarella cheese sticks…. it may be time to grab a new pair of SLIM pants.